Wish I Could Sleep

It’s about 3:20a.m here in Philadelphia, and yet here I am drinking a cup of coffee. I can feel the weight of sleep on my eye lids, but my mind has other plans.

I am on paternity leave again. My wife, daughter and I welcomed our son just last Wednesday. I swear this little bundle of joy was going to set a record for how much formula a new born could stomch–seemed like ever hour since about 12 he was crying to be fed.

I am writing merely to say I wrote. Recently i posted about a work in progress, a story I am currently working on; however,there hasn’t been much progress lately. But this project I am working on is something bigger than just another erotic story I post on my blog. It holds the potential to be something more, so I will view it as a goal, a deep desire to make it more than just a blog post.

I am always a little bit leary to post photos of my kids, but as a proud dad, I just cannot help myself, so here goes

Letter to My Daughter

Dear Naomi,

Today, your brother Manny will be born. Mommy and Daddy are really excited to meet him and to see how you two will get along. My prayer has been that you will share a strong, endearing bond.

I apologize for not writing to you more often. I’ve wanted to-and not to make excuses but, Daddy has been very tired and very busy these last few months.

I always wonder when you read these letters will you ask yourself, “Why did Dad always say he loves me?” Maybe you will, maybe you won’t, but just in case, I’ll tell you. A father’s love and affection towards his daughter is vital in her young age. It helps to build confidence and self worth. I want you to know what real love is, it’s not just a feeling, its putting those feelings into action.

When we found out you were a girl, I spent the rest of your mother’s pregnancy planning to shower you with hugs, kisses, and compliments.

Naomi, always remember this: Daddy loves you no matter what. You will disappoint me, even make me angry, but I will still love you. Most importantly my dear, you can never escape the love and compassion of Jesus. He loves you more than I ever could!

You are currently two and a half years old, but when you read this understand something: today, Emmanuel James Still will be born. He will not replace the love I have for you in my heart, he is not your competition. I love you both deeply, it is a love you cannot understand until you have children of your own. You will always be my Pretty Lil’ Brown skin Baby, and my heart is big enough to love you and your brother.

So while today may not be about you, just know that you are still on my mind, and hold a special place in my heart.

Love you to the moon and back

-Dad

Work in Progress

So this morning I finally sat down and began to work on something that may or may not be bigger than what I initially intended. I do not get to write/post the way I would like, but my mind is always coming up with new things to jot down.

Once I have gotten the main idea of this current piece I’m working on, I will share it with you all! Take care until then!

Persistence

Let the chips
Fall where chance
And gravity willed
His love for her
Was warm and persistent, cool
And kind like a beverage chilled
Forbidden by time and
Circumstance,
He confessed heartfelt emotions
Amidst so much commotion, and
Though slowed down, his love
Lumbered with locomotion.
-SpKn

Inconspicuous

Tears welled up
Behind copacetic eyes
All smiles and high fives
Yet inside there’s a man who
Just wants to cry and hide
From these ugly dark things, he
Can’t help but feel
Are they made up or can it be
These emotions are real?
Is all love lost, or with effort can
His heart be healed?
Tears stay stuck behind those battered
Eyes
His heart yells silently, stuck here
He knows he’ll die violently.
-SpkN

Eloquent Kisses

Ever so eloquent you stand with your back to me
Quick as a kitten, silent as a whisper
I entangle you in a warm embrace, my lips attack your neck
You push against me, melting into the strength of my arms.
My lips finish their gentle assault and softly
I say, “I love you.”

Rushing to Write

I have put so much pressure on myself to blog/write. I wanted to be one of those bloggers with like 1,500 followers, tons of likes and comments as a way of saying, “Dude, you’re a great writer!” But, I’m not a “great” writer, just a cook who loves to write about any and everything.

There is/are something(s) lacking in my writing. For one, vision. What is my end game here? It’s hard to sit and be consistent when your day starts at 3:45am and you have a toddler and a baby on the way. So I am forced to ask myself, am I writing as a form of escape and the world (30+ followers) is traveling along with me? Or am I building up to something bigger?

I have seen some of the pages I follow discuss different awards they have received and I ask myself, what would that take for me to achieve that level of coolness? Truth be told, I do not submit my work for peer reviews for a few reasons, one is actually an excuse (I haven’t copyrighted my work), the other is that I am so used to folks saying, “Oh, that’s really good!” And that’s as far as it goes, and then finally, fear… fear that my writing isn’t as good as I think it is.

The other issue I find in my writing is my lack of reading. I usually fall asleep with books opened on my face and my wife has to put them away losing my page (lol). My lack of reading has grotesquely affected my vocabulary. When I was younger, you couldn’t pay NOT to read. Now, as a full time cook, dad, and husband, I hardly have time to breathe. I need to read both fiction and non fiction. I need to study the Bible, and read other world views not neccessary in search of a new world view, but understanding how mine lines up along with others. I need to distance my reality from what I write, learn to put the reader in a world not mine or theirs.

Lastly. My writing needs time and patience. I tend to write something, and BOOM! I think it’s a masterpiece. I need to go back, edit, rethink, retool, and possibly rewrite, maybe scratch the whole project and start again. But I need to learn not to rush… even as I type this, i am hurrying so I can get the little one up and start our day.

So I will end with this; to my followers and to whomever else may stumble upon this here blog, feel free to leave some critiques, be real, in spite of my fears, I will take the meat and leave the bone.

-SpKn